What am I listening to?

When life discourages me, what am I listening to?

Often it is because I have allowed my mind although unconsciously at times to meditate upon something that I did not even know had the potential to set me on a path of utter discouragement. From abiding. And it’s so subtle at times. Just a word. A discouraging word.A thought in my mind(My friend Ellis used to say that the devil never condemns in the second person.For example ,you don’t think to yourself, “Oh,you’re such a failure.At this point in life,you should at least have achieved this and that.” No!The accuser obviously knows you’ll find him out if it’s like that.He instead uses the subtlety of ,”oh am such a failure.At this age I should be this and that and that.Look at all my age-mates etc etc.”

Occasionally, it’s a comment (sometimes innocent) from a friend and given the right setting (which is my entertainment of the what if, the why, the how) takes me away from the position of rest and trust.

Who am I listening to?

The standards of the world Versus What God has said. Darkness and light. Carnality and spirituality. The lie and the light. Life and death. Have you ever had a what if moment or a why thought and before you know it, you have spent a whole hour, a whole day even obsessing. Do you know how hard it can be at times to recollect yourself back into your norm? I think the best thing to do with any thought contrary is to arrest it before it even takes root. To reject it before it even thinks of alighting. God grant me the grace to.

And you know the thing is, these things, thoughts, words, comments are not necessarily “wrong” Most of them in fact are sound advice and true facts (are there wrong facts? :)And because of this, it’s hard sometimes to immediately see them for what they are. Philosophies. Standards of the world. Good counsel like “well, you need to date the guy for at least two years to “know them” (Haza meanwhile am not consoling myself)

“You need to stay with him/her a while to see if you are compatible”

“She/he can’t make a good wife/husband because she/he is from this tribe.”

“You can’t minister today  because  you did something terrible yesterday.”

“This one,you’ll probably need to fast at least three days for God to forgive you,at least to show that you’re serious.”

“The only way to be financially independent is to save as much as you can and then invest it”

“Ingaaha, you’re too old to achieve that. Maybe just try this. For the moment.”

“People don’t change. The leopard can’t change its spots etc etc”

“Beautiful girls are tall and light and small”

“A man is as good/important as his wallet.”

“You’re getting too old; you should get married.”

“There is no way you can have both a career and a family. You have to sacrifice one.

(Of course most of them are about marriage and relationships because, well I get those the most: D)

“Girls should be meek and quiet and mild, or at least should appear to be so. Doesn’t really matter if in actual sense they are not.

I have actually remembered this one. At one point growing up, I feared being happy because one day as kids, we were so happy, playing, very dirty, full of joy as kids be and then one adult innocently made a comment and said,” agumurikushesa nimuza kugariza”

Loosely meaning, “with the way you’re laughing, you’ll cry soon.” And bad enough to say, the following day, my aunt (who had been sick a while) passed on and somehow I felt like we shouldn’t have laughed, played too much, maybe it weirdly had a certain cause and effect.

And unfortunately, my young mind, which used to absorb everything caught on it soooo much that it took me a while to know that being happy is totally alright.You can imagine how scriptures like Philippians 4:4 (Rejoice in the Lord always: and again I say, Rejoice) unsettled me.I think am actually still unlearning this,plus so many other things of course. The saddest thing though is that I know other friends who are scared to be completely happy because to them something always goes wrong if they are too happy.As in,the moment they are happy,they go on tension and just wait for the bad.It’s so sad 😦

What am I listening to? If scripture is not backing it up. If my spirit is not at rest with it. However intelligent it sounds, even if it has worked for everyone else. It can’t be my standard, my yardstick.

Lord that you’ll grant me your grace and open the eyes of my understanding.

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Love, Rain and Breezes

Picture this;
Soft rain pattering on tin roofs-the memory when you were young
Sitting warm around the fire, family recalling stories-the nostalgia
And now that you’re old and mature (as you insist Love)
Hot showers after long days,
Easy conversations with your bosom friend
A day by the beach, just you, a book and the gentle breeze
Moments of worship that breathe life into your soul
 See,
See the simplicity of what makes you truly happy !
Image result for happiness is in small things

Contemplations…………

On the good things happening: One of my besties is getting married 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 I can’t wait for this testimony to manifest.God is the best at delivering on promises.

On books: Stay with Me  by Ayobami Adebayo .I read this amazinnnng book in one sitting.I actually almost got in trouble for it.I was “caught” reading it under the desk (I know !! high school all over again) during a very serious workshop and my boss wasn’t very happy with me. Haha. This is ,so far,the best new African book I have read.And I have read quite a few this year.And to think that this is her debut novel. I envy her so much.

Still on books:Kate Morton.You guys,some people can weave a tale that transports you through time and wreaks havoc on your emotions for a lifetime.If you think great books ended with the Bronte’ sisters,you haven’t read Kate Morton’s secret keeper!!

On love and boys: One word. Hope 🙂 P.S Those who know me will tell you this is a huuuuge step.

On TV: I discovered “the real’ and Iam now one of those girls that are hooked to daytime TV shows.Sad.I feel like Tamera is my soul sister.Haha.And then Adrienne being married to Israel Houghton gives me all kinds of feels.And Jeanie Mae is like that crazy friend that I would love to have in my circles.Oh well !!

And Gotham: All thanks to my siblings for the discovery of Gotham and the awesomeness that is the Riddler and Penguin.Gotham has definitely substituted Castle for me ,never mind that they are completely different genres.

On fear and anxiety and unbelief: Oh! these gorgons .Of these things I have sunk into depression at times wondering why,wondering how,wondering if and when,afraid of the future,afraid of the unknown. Sometimes the fears that gnaw at me are totally unfounded and sometimes they are real but either way,they always leave me wondering why I didn’t trust God in the first place.God is causing me to trust.

On change : Still hate it.

On the Christ Life: Look to Christ,Look to Christ,Look ONLY to Christ.This of course will be my lifelong lesson.I realize that my mind can be in turmoil over various things(being the thinker that Iam)and the only thing that calms me is when I slow down and allow Christ to find me.The recognition that He is my very life ,He has taken over and this life that I live is not my own brings me perfect peace. Independence is a lie for me.I realize that I need Him not only in the bad times,because well that is easier for me,but also in the good times.To know that my whole life and everything Iam and have is entirely His.This God has kept me when I couldn’t keep myself ,woos me,gets me in all the small ways partial only to me and since I have Him I have EVERYTHING I could ever want.

On dreams: I think soon I’ll revive some of them.Maybe start singing again 😉

On regrets:Now, I have always had the habit of looking back and beating myself up about every little thing that has gone wrong.Some of these things are my fault of course especially in relationships and some of them just would have happened no matter what ,but Iam that girl that will sit down,even make a timetable for it,to obsessively dissect bit by bit every word I said,every mannerism, body language,every thought,Just know every little thing.This is another one of the things where God is teaching me to trust Him. Because whether I screw up or not,He does have ways of disentangling my mess.He is for real more than able to.As in He has both the power and the willingness to make everything alright. Remember Psalm 139:5 “You go before me and follow me. You have laid Your hand upon me”He not only looks out for me for the future,He not only hems me in  and constantly watches me from all sides. but His Grace also covers my past.No wonder it follows that such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too great for me to understand!Yes He is of all might.Yes I will believe and trust Him.

On friendship: On this I’ll start with this note to self: Stop expecting.I think this has been the cause of a lot of my disappointments and heartache.I know its hard to completely do away with this because humanly speaking,there is a bit of expectation we put on those close to us,those we have allowed into our private spaces.We expect them to be there,available when we need them,but everyone has problems and issues and sometimes people just can’t be there.We all get caught up in our own worlds and sometimes forget that other people have issues too and probably need us more.So what I am learning is this,God always places help for us in various sources but we are just stuck on that one particular person that we want to be there but they could not.So I will take friendship in whatever form from whoever I find ,thank God and move on and avoid the awkwardness that comes with resentment because of unfulfilled expectations.At the end of it all,Christ is the only true friend,who will always be there.

I believe,help my unbelief

Today, when my eyes are hazy 

And my vision is blurred from all these circumstances,

Help me believe,

It’s not like I don’t but it’s just that

Suddenly every effort to crawl through this ravine is proving futile

And every step I take, I slide three further in

Lord, I can’t see light and your ways seem s.l.o.w.e.r than they usually are;

And my fears have metamorphosed into these terrible looming horrors

And my anxieties are fighting to appear real,

Now here’s the thing, I know YOU ARE my IAM

But Iam having trouble aligning what I know to these tumultuous emotions

This is it Lord,

I do, I believe, help my unbelief.

 

 

His lifeline to me today;

Psalm 91

You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day,

Nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday.

Love’s desperate Cry

Love me,
The complete ,the unconditional,the soul -wrenching,all sacrificing love.
Too much to ask.
But I do L.O.V.E y.o.u
It’s just not how you want
I can’t be that,for you.
But Iam here,trying
I’ll love you as much as I can
I’ll love you with all I’ve got
I’ll borrow as much as I can
From my own banks
But they lie here half -empty
I’ll try to L.O.V.E. you
But I just C.A.N.T
Image result for love me

 

Ou Le’

This song by Kassav gives me feels every single time.I don’t know any other way to describe it.

Whenever it plays I long for places I’ve never even been to. Places I’ve never seen.All of a sudden I want to go back to before the 1970’s and live.it reminds me of all the time traveling dreams(into the past)  I’ve always had(Btw am I the only one?  I’ve always wondered) . The nostalgia kills me. This is every single time it plays. Anywhere.

Before my sister Cynthia got married.It was their song. Her and her then boyfriend, now husband Brian.It’s a perfect couple’s song .I kid you not whenever it played and they danced, you would feel like romantic love is the ultimate best thing in the mortal world.(maybe it is?)

I think this should be “our song” .Me and my significant other. I can imagine swaying away to that dreamy voice singing Ou Le’ for the first dance after that loooong day. Hopefully my heels won’t be killing me.By the way what happens when a couple does not  like the same music at all. How do they get their song. Like he is an old soul and she is only into hip-hop? 😀

Today I heard it and in addition to all the nostalgia, blah blah blah, I found myself missing things I’ve never even had. Having this severe longing for things I can’t really pinpoint.Too many emotions just playing in my heart. Too much hiraeth . I missed my youth and all those years when my only worry was school grades.

I think sometimes we are living our best lives in the now  and we don’t even know it. If we knew we would thank God for it more. But there we are,never content, always looking out for what’s not right.

Off to living then.These could be my very best years. And probably when Iam old and grey, and Iam attending my grandkid’s  wedding. They’ll play Ou Le’ as a tribute to all the old people there and my mind will go back precisely, to these times and I’ll feel nostalgic and think to myself, “God, those were my best years yet, and I didn’t even know it”

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On: Hurting and being hurt by the people we love

What does one do when close friends and family keep jabbing poisonous arrows of words into your heart at every step.Keep tearing you down.Keep using the very weaknesses you’ve told them against you.Making sure you know that you will never amount to much in that area you’ve been vulnerable with them about ,thinking that they cared,knowing that they would support you.

I talked to a friend of mine who said it all comes down to lowering expectations totally and exercising “emotional intelligence” over this by not allowing their words to hurt you?But how do you do that?How do you stop expecting and yet keep trusting at the same time?Does that mean that you stop trusting even the closest of friends?I don’t know.And of course it doesn’t help that I was never good with this emotional intelligence thing.Sadly Iam too emotional,something I have very unsuccessfully tried to curb over the last 20 years and more.

But sometimes you keep hoping and thinking that maybe the person you’re being vulnerable with will at least try to treasure your sentiments,because they surely know how difficult it is for you to step out of your comfort zone of feeling sorry for yourself and decide to bare it all to someone.Because you’ve already condemned yourself too much ,beaten yourself down too much,enough to last a lifetime that you don’t need someone else setting it in concrete more than you already have.

People hurt I am telling you.But the pain caused by family and close friends creates a wound that takes ages to heal.And it is with this seeping wound that Iam slowly trying to plod through,trying to pray through,to still believe through because I feel like all this I’ve been telling myself ,of things getting better and all is just an illusion,because after all,even the closest people to me do not see it possible.

My lifeline today:

Colossians 2:10 And ye are complete in him, which is the head of all principality and power.