I believe,help my unbelief

Today, when my eyes are hazy 

And my vision is blurred from all these circumstances,

Help me believe,

It’s not like I don’t but it’s just that

Suddenly every effort to crawl through this ravine is proving futile

And every step I take, I slide three further in

Lord, I can’t see light and your ways seem s.l.o.w.e.r than they usually are;

And my fears have metamorphosed into these terrible looming horrors

And my anxieties are fighting to appear real,

Now here’s the thing, I know YOU ARE my IAM

But Iam having trouble aligning what I know to these tumultuous emotions

This is it Lord,

I do, I believe, help my unbelief.

 

 

His lifeline to me today;

Psalm 91

You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day,

Nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday.

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Love’s desperate Cry

Love me,
The complete ,the unconditional,the soul -wrenching,all sacrificing love.
Too much to ask.
But I do L.O.V.E y.o.u
It’s just not how you want
I can’t be that,for you.
But Iam here,trying
I’ll love you as much as I can
I’ll love you with all I’ve got
I’ll borrow as much as I can
From my own banks
But they lie here half -empty
I’ll try to L.O.V.E. you
But I just C.A.N.T
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Ou Le’

This song by Kassav gives me feels every single time.I don’t know any other way to describe it.

Whenever it plays I long for places I’ve never even been to. Places I’ve never seen.All of a sudden I want to go back to before the 1970’s and live.it reminds me of all the time traveling dreams(into the past)  I’ve always had(Btw am I the only one?  I’ve always wondered) . The nostalgia kills me. This is every single time it plays. Anywhere.

Before my sister Cynthia got married.It was their song. Her and her then boyfriend, now husband Brian.It’s a perfect couple’s song .I kid you not whenever it played and they danced, you would feel like romantic love is the ultimate best thing in the mortal world.(maybe it is?)

I think this should be “our song” .Me and my significant other. I can imagine swaying away to that dreamy voice singing Ou Le’ for the first dance after that loooong day. Hopefully my heels won’t be killing me.By the way what happens when a couple does not  like the same music at all. How do they get their song. Like he is an old soul and she is only into hip-hop? 😀

Today I heard it and in addition to all the nostalgia, blah blah blah, I found myself missing things I’ve never even had. Having this severe longing for things I can’t really pinpoint.Too many emotions just playing in my heart. Too much hiraeth . I missed my youth and all those years when my only worry was school grades.

I think sometimes we are living our best lives in the now  and we don’t even know it. If we knew we would thank God for it more. But there we are,never content, always looking out for what’s not right.

Off to living then.These could be my very best years. And probably when Iam old and grey, and Iam attending my grandkid’s  wedding. They’ll play Ou Le’ as a tribute to all the old people there and my mind will go back precisely, to these times and I’ll feel nostalgic and think to myself, “God, those were my best years yet, and I didn’t even know it”

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A little bit of heartbreak

Iam not saying

Iam  sobbing myself to sleep at night

Or having that deep cold pain clutching at my heart and refusing to let go

But I’m a tiny bit heartbroken Over you…

Just a tiny bit

Small drop that keeps creating a painful ripple in my soul

Not much though

Just a little tiny nagging heartbreak

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B.R.O.K.E.N.

 

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See…
I wish for what my mind eye once saw
Sunflower and rainbows
But broken heart makes you see strange things
High walls everywhere and no sun in-between

See…
This is neither a prayer nor a call for
This is a menu of open wound and salt-cure
Of broken dreams and hopelessness
Washed down with full bottles I have cried

See…
Iam not crying for you
But I’ll sit in shadow till you turn around
Then I’ll take you someplace and be your sun
But I can’t bear your pain forgive me,
I wouldn’t know what to say.
But I’ll pray for you.

See…
I can’t save me from myself but I’ll try
And I’ll keep tumbling and falling over my own efforts
And I’ll keep drowning in sad songs and bad poetry
And I’ll keep thinking of ways to get out
But just a thought of you will make me breathe another breath
I’ll curse you for keeping me here but you’ll be my salvation.

See…
The world will be moving on and I’ll seem to be stuck somewhere between dream and adulthood
And I’ll keep wishing and living
And I’ll keep wishing I wasn’t this
B.R.O.K.E.N

On the high road searching for happiness….

Because happiness is a journey not a destination.

Because while we are waiting and hankering for that one thing that will happen and  eventually bring with it the happiness we want,life is already happening.Life does not wait.

And even when that thing does eventually come,we are unable to be any happier with it because we have been stuck at a place of discontentment for so long and we have forgotten how to be happy.

We wish our friends blessedness but our happiness for them is tinged  with a hint of reluctance ,because all that comes to mind is how we still haven’t got our own.How we haven’t got our cut yet.We are the prodigal son all over again.In this could be happiness,but we forfeit it.Because selfishness.And humanity is and will always be flawed.

We are always,always waiting for that one ship to sail in.But there will always be lots of ships love.And we live in perennial disgruntlement and bitterness because oh we have waited for sooo long and we never seem to catch a break.We forget to celebrate what is happening,the small victories,the recovery from that little sickness that many have succumbed to,the joy that fellowship with humans that care for you brings,even when you think they are not there as much as you’d want them to be,the tiny things that only you are partial to but that bring you real joy,that puppy,that new recipe you can’t wait to try out,your beautiful child,that song you just discovered that gets you,books if you’re like me 🙂

We are always running after the next thing that will make us happy.The new job,the marriage,the baby,the wedding,the ultimate money deal.We forget to live.Life can’t slow us down to live it.

We are sprinting ,sprinting,and life is leisurely taking a stroll.

We are unstoppable in our search for misery joy. Slow down a bit.A whole good bit.Life and all that is in it is a grace gift.And we get it while we sleep.While we rest.Like Adam got Eve.cropped-cropped-img_20160422_212211_09312.jpg

To get a little praise on……19/12/2017

It’s great to be born in December.It’s a very exciting month,the most exciting month of course; the year is ending and I can look forward to beginning both a new calendar year and a new birth year. Anyway,this birthday is a very special one.

2017 was weird.It was a roller coaster.A lot has changed and yet a lot has stayed the same. I’ve experienced emotional pain,bodily pain(On so many different accounts at some point I just gave up 😦 ) I am still so indecisive,I am still too emotional for my own good,still pining over lost dreams,Still living too much within my head and yet despite all, I think I have “seen” God the most during the last 12 months.

A lot of good has happened.A lot of good.

Just sharing a little of what I am grateful for today, 19/12/2017.

  1. Gigi’s wedding.From sitting late nights talking about whether we will ever have normal love lives to a wedding ? My God!!!Screenshot_2017-11-06-16-17-00.png
  2. My name in Print 🙂 I never fathomed “Free Fall” would ever be published especially since I always feel my talents are all pretty  mediocre.Just okay but never good enough,y’know?img-20171123-wa00031.jpg
  3. Discovering Susanna Kearsley. She has managed to completely restore my hope in Romantic mystery since Mary Stewart.Kearsley Susannah
  4. The God of all comfort.This I want to keep my little secret but again I can’t because it’s where my whole life is hinged.You can’t know how God is a REAL TANGIBLE comfort till you’ve gone through stuff that only God understands.I have gone through some things in the last year that have been pretty hard.And you know,the thing is,even the closest of friends reaches a point and they just can’t be there.And you truthfully can’t blame them.Everyone else already has their own things going on.So however much you want to get mad at them and expect them to remember that you have this issue,you just can’t because it would be most unfair to them.But let me tell you,God was so REAL to me in these moments.And so it remains,that Christ is the only SURETY we have in Life.Image result for christ my everything
  5. My job; One of my miracles this year.God saw I needed this particular shift and brought it at just the right time.I thank God everyday.IMG-20171103-WA0055.jpg
  6. Israel,Elaine,Hannah,Priscilla and AleeshaImage result for being around children  quotes
  7. Family;for obvious reasons.Without them I wouldn’t hold.img-20170808-wa0036.jpgScreenshot_2017-09-09-02-55-34.png
  8. Friends;Work friends,my home girls,my school friends,fellowship friends,church friends,all my friends. “Rukundo Egumeho” How do you put up with me?I am so not easy to love but you keep on keeping on.Sniff sniff 😥 How do you do it?img_20161003_191540.jpgimg-20171031-wa0011.jpg
  9. Syline,Cynthia and my mother.Because you three have been relentlessly there in that one particular pain.That one.The one that has scared the hell out of me,that has kept me up late at night.That has made me lose hope and I call you crying coz I just can’t handle it.But you don’t tire of telling me that God has everything in control.This that has tested my faith the most but has also drawn me closest to God the most.Thank you for your long-suffering.Image result for the people that hold me
  10. Finishing School. Nhuh!! UMI with its strictness and complicated exams.I saw for myself the difference between undergraduate and post graduate.Literally the hardest exams I have ever encountered in all my life.Plus it’s not easy to juggle school and work. Meehn!!Thank you Lord!!
  11. Susan’s graduation. My little baby sis a.k.a our Kate Beckett ,our Sue ,the funniest girl ever,the pretty girl of the family graduated.But years really rush my goodness.The girl started form 1 when I was at campus riyalle.(I know!!) Congs darling.Go out and lend the world your awesomeness 🙂img-20171214-wa0029.jpg
  12. Healing; Getting miraculously healed from something that has plagued me for years.God is a healer I am telling you.Plus it’s also true that you cannot know God is a healer till you’ve been sick.Image result for by his stripes we were healed
  13. Good doctor’s report.Finally getting a diagnosis on some other health issue and getting ways of handling it as I await the manifestation of healing 🙂
  14. Desert Streams and Worship Harvest.For pointing me to Christ and for being LEGIT.cbom.jpg
  15. Rediscovering my love for travel.By road .Oh,the hiraeth that comes with traveling down endlessly winding roads, watching the sun rise and set over vast plains in the open country, morning mist over picturesque hills and your mind is filled with wistful thoughts of what could have been and what could be.It’s too beautiful sometimes I can’t even bear it.(pics from google.Mine were taken by a poor quality camera 😀 )Image result for WINDING ROADS KABALE

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Happiness is not found in circumstances and possessing things. True joy I have realized can only be found in Him.May Christ be your joy and peace.May 2018 be good to you.May 2018 be your best year yet.

Amen!!