Fix my eyes

Know those times when everything is going wrong?When you’re experiencing a sickness in your body that just won’t go,when you’re not even sure you have friends anymore,when for some reason,you’re dredging up memories of all the dreams you had that didn’t come true and couldn’t come true even if you tried,when career wise,you don’t even know where you are headed,it’s like you’re just putting one foot in front of the other,going to work because you have to,when spiritually,there seems to be just a certain truth that you are missing,I will not even mention your love life,basically when absolutely nothing is working.

One of those times just happened today.I was talking to a friend about some achievement of hers when suddenly I just got this overwhelming sense of sadness,of loss,of despair,of failure.Just like that I seemed to remember all that is/could go wrong in my life and it overwhelmed me.For about five minutes all that is wrong in my  life flashed before my eyes.

But in that moment something I can only term as miraculous happened.It occurred to me that I have been there,in that exact place, so very very many times and it is always the same.Get all these heartbreaking  and haunting  thoughts,all these regrets and obsess over them for quite sometime,get depressed,ask God questions,try to figure it out,get depressed,forget for sometime.Have that triggered again by either a comment from a friend or a mere thought.Go through the torture again.For me it’s just a cycle that goes on and on and on . I am just so used to it.I think today God chose that moment to remind me,as always,just how dangerous it is to turn my eyes away from the one thing that matters.Christ .To open my eyes to the fact that for me to look at those things in that way,from my perspective will always bring me back to that cycle and I will always be depressed.Basically,everything in my life,every dream,every achievement,every regret,every thought,every time I try to figure out things with my mind,I fall into despair. So unlike what always happens,I found it quick for me to cast my eyes back to Christ and say that “Lord,this is me right now,with all these wrong things going on but you are my life ” And I just felt peace.All of a sudden it didn’t matter anymore.My under-accomplishments and my wrong.

I think life in of itself is overwhelming and the moment we dare take our eyes off of Him,we are just doomed to say the least,and it always seems easy to say cast your eyes upon Him and yet in the moment of despair,it seems the hardest thing to do.But the truth is that all else,apart from Him does not make sense.However appealing or good it seems.

I am again and again reminded of Bebo Norman’s  Collide.Allow me to quote.

I’ve seen the writing on the wall
I’ve seen the best of things
I’ve seen my kingdoms rise and fall
I’ve seen the wound in everyone I know
All of these things and still I hold on tight
To the altars I keep building to the sky
To the coffers and my failed attempts to fly
I’ve held the promises of man
Drank from that water deep
And I’ve held beauty in my hands
I kissed her mouth and watch her turn to sand
All of these things and still I hold on tight
To the altars I keep building to the sky
To the coffers and my failed attempts to fly away
How long, how long
Must we hold on, hold on
Before grace and gravity collide?
Hold, hold on tight….
To the altars I keep building to the sky
To the coffers and my failed attempts to fly away
And still You say, you’re mine, you’re mine

Isn’t it amusing albeit frustrating how we keep holding on tight to our coffers,even when we’ve seen  all the beauty we’ve held dear turn to sand countless times,even when we’ve painfully witnessed all our kingdoms fall and rise, only to fall again.How long must we go on before we realize that to fix our eyes on anything going on this carnal side of life is but death.How long before Grace and Gravity collide.May God fix our eyes on things above

Love always…

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